Saturday, February 26, 2005

Forces of Evil ™ Part Two

I am one with the shadows.

A shadow appears to divide in silent black mitosis as I slide along the side of a cookie-cutter perfect two story house in the suburbs of Chicago. A cut pane of glass rests quietly against the vinyl siding. After a brief flirtation with visibility I disappear inside a dark window and begin my evil work.

The house is quiet except for the faint sound of lullabies on compact disc from upstairs. One of those alleged brain-building compilations of Brahms and Chopin marketed to hyper-motivated parents eager to create another Doctor or Lawyer for the family. I survey the landscape, a still life of normalcy in Tranquility, USA.

My eyes narrow maliciously as I spot my objective. This mission is too easy, but letting that thought lurk in my noggin is an invitation for disaster. Never count on things being easy, it makes you sloppy. Pros can’t afford to be sloppy… not in this line of work.

Stepping slowly and softly, I am careful to check for creaky floorboards, children’s toys, or anything else that could cause an inadvertent sound… and mission failure.

I cross the room and sigh softly as my hand closes around the “package”. I tap out a series of clicks on my wristwatch to let headquarters know that I am entering Phase Two of the operation.

I carefully remove a tiny screwdriver from a small pouch on my belt. As the second screw comes free, fate almost intervenes on behalf of this unsuspecting family. It slips from my grasp and tumbles toward a vent in the floor. Time freezes as my panda-like reflexes engage and I snatch it from the air at the last second.

Senses electrified and adrenaline surging, I complete my mission and stealthily exit the house. Every time I complete one of these missions, I laugh a dark, insidious, and silent laugh of pure evil, just for myself. The joy of being a willing tool of the Right Wing Conspiracy makes my black shriveled heart quiver with effort, trying to push warmth through my icy veins.

If they only knew…

While the Left Wing Loonies snivel and complain about ridiculous conspiracy theories, the real conspiracy is right under their nose. Each set of remote control batteries that I replace with an identical dead set pushes them closer to the edge. Every time I slide the DVD remote underneath the loveseat cushions in a rarely used room, they take another tremulous step toward complete insanity. Every set of fingernail clippers that I replace with toenail clippers brings our evil plan closer to fruition.

To be continued…


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